Nightmare
“Where could that key
have got to?” Thought Jude, wandering around the mysterious abandoned houses,
which were no taller than a van; no wider than two pillows put together.
“HELP!” screamed a small
girly voice.
“Where are you?” Jude
replied
Jude bent down then
picked up a small china doll which was crying uncontrollably…
“Our city was destroyed
by some person who was looking for the key.” Explained the china doll.
“That’s my key!” Jude
said excitedly.
“It is in the cupboard
over there, take it if you want.” The doll said. However when she opened the
cupboard door it was not there…
I like the part with the conversation with the china doll. Do you need to have used inverted commas in all parts? Check your use of capital letters, you don't need to use them after speech unless it is for a name. Well done for using different words for said. Mrs. Weeks
ReplyDeleteHello Mille,
ReplyDeleteYour concept is fresh and unique. The interpretation of the prompt shows a higher level of thought and creativity. It took me a second or two to understand why the houses were the way you described them to be, but then once the china doll appeared I completely understood how it all fit together.
China dolls are generally associated with childhood and are not usually thought of as vengeful objects. So the fact that your china doll tricks Jude into opening a cupboard to look for her missing key, when the doll knows is not really in there is engaging.
My suggestion for making your writing even better is to pump up a few of the verbs in your story. For example, there are many synonyms for the word 'said' that would add strength and power to your piece.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your entry.
Thank you very much for sharing your imagination,
Gina Felton (Team 100, Iowa USA)
Hi Millie,
ReplyDeleteLoved the adjectives i hope there is another part! :)
great story I like all the good words. GREAT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete