Hello there, my
name is Mallery. It’s my birthday in two days I am going to turn 16. I’m so
excited. BUT there is one down side, in
this colossal house there are loads of dresses, but none of them are the right one. Mum
says I’m just being picky but I am not, I just need a perfect dress for a
perfect birthday party. You know what I mean”.
MY BIRTHDAY
Happy
birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeee wait...I still
don’t have a dress and my party’s in 1 hour mummm! Mum bursted into the room
“What’s wrong Mallery?”
“I can’t find a
dress to wear.”
“Look in your cupboard darling.”
When I opened the cupboard
door an alumnus emerald dress with
purple diamonds! I froze.
“Happy birthday honey.”
“I love you so much mum.”
Mary, I love the way to you talk to the reader at the beginning. Check your punctuation. Does it need inverted commas? What's wrong with your tenses? It all needs to be the same. Great short story. Lucky you!! Mrs. Weeks
ReplyDeleteMary, your writing involves the reader immediately as they are in Mary's thoughts. The dialogue between Mary and her mother are written perfectly well. Nice work! The happy ending is wonderful as well.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Peterson (Team 100wc)
TX, USA
Love your story Mary mums are all picky and you breathtaking words are speechless my favorite part about my birthday is opening lots of fabulous presents.
ReplyDeleteKerry